Category: marriage

a brief guide to biblical manhood

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Happy Father’s Day! Today’s message is a manly message. It’s for fathers, future fathers, and for men of all ages. Women, don’t tune out or take this Sunday off, this message is for you too. It’s for women [daughters, wife’s, future wives, singles, etc.] who love to support the men in their life. God takes pleasure in talking to men in the Bible. First He created Adam to be the leader and lover of his wife. When Eve took the temptation, God came to Adam. Later God established patriarchs to lead their homes, teach their children, and be responsible for peoples and nations. Also God’s Spirit spoke through inspired men who penned our Scripture. It is not that God has a low view of women or is sexist-ogre as some would like to believe. He desires men to be godly-leaders.

Two years ago my gramps passed away from cancer. Before he passed he said to me, “Justin, I am looking forward to being with my Savior!” then gave me two imperatives, “Take care of your beautiful wife. Keep following your God.” Those are two things I will never forget. Last words are important. Today we will look as some last word in the first letter to the church at Corinth.

Let’s do a short Corinthians Quiz: First, who wrote 1 Corinthians? Paul wrote with his own hand [16:21]. Second, what do you know about the church at Corinth? Most would say it was divided, had disunities, and was quite dysfunctional. All true. What church isn’t? Third, why did Paul write this church? Paul, like a father bending his boy over his knee sought to correct the congregation. The first 14 chapters of Paul’s letter to Corinth were a rebuke towards errant behaviors—even beloved chapter 13 was a rebuke towards lovelessness—and chapter 15 was a rebuke towards errant theology. Paul [a man] rebukes out of deep love for this church; just like Jesus’ [the God-Man] love for His church [cf. Hebrews 12:6].

Paul ends his letter with a list of five short, succinct, to-the-point imperatives. They are not simple suggestions; rather it’s as if he’s saying, “Do this, enough said!” Each imperative is a review of Paul’s entire letter to the Corinthians. As a pastor, like Paul, I will prod the men of our church to own these five imperatives of biblical manhood. My outline should be easy for the men in our audience, since each point is plagiarized from the two verses we will pick apart today, [start: 16:10] “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” [1 Corinthians 16:13-14]

If you haven’t noticed Paul likes to talk in military terms. It helps his men-hearers understand. 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 is a charge to the troops! Like 1 Kings 1:2-3, “Be strong, and show yourself a man, and keep the charge of the LORD your God.” [cf. Joshua 1:6-7] Women, I know us pastors give a lot of male illustrations from sports, hunting, or warfare. It’s because we are men. We do not intend to leave out the ladies, but we have a hard time relating to tea parties, dolling-up, or other things ladies like. It’s good to embrace and encourage the ruggedness of your men and their love for guns or getting dirty [that’s the reason why my wife loves my big beard!]. Okay, here are five imperatives you are best to encourage in your men…

1. “Be on the alert.”

Like a commander calling to his men he says, “Attention! Stay alert. Eyes open. Watch out. Keep awake.” You get the picture of a castle tower guard scanning the scene for enemies anticipating an ambush or attack. The Corinthian’s needed an awakening. They were Christians in a moral and spiritual stupor. They had fallen asleep on duty. They substituted God’s Word with their wisdom [1:18-2:16], they were divisive [1:10-17; 3:9], they were immoral [5:1-13], they confused and perverted marriage, divorce, and singleness [7], they were self-serving [10], they misused their spiritual gifts [12-14], and they were unloving [13]. They were not alert at all. Instead they were off duty and were teaming up with the enemy.

I am a man who loves sports. On Tuesday’s some of the men of our church play slow pitch softball. It’s a fun sport. This week I played centerfield. Usually it’s a position with a lot of running, however that night nothing was even hit near my domain. I said to some of the guys, “It sure is a lazy day in the outfield.” Sure enough with a 7-run lead I let my guard down and became the lazy outfielder smelling the clovers and swatting mosquitoes. When the final inning came around it was our game to lose. Would you know it, the other team started cranking balls my way. It wasn’t pretty, but we did pull away with a W!

The phrase “be alert” or “be watchful” appears 22 times in the NT. Jesus uses the phrase when to remind His followers to be on alert for His Second Coming, since He could come back any moment.[1] However, there are four more ways the phrase is used in the NT. What are we to watch out for?

First, be alert against Satan. “Be sober-minded, be on the alert, your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith.” [1 Peter 5:8-9] Satan is not all knowing, like God, he only knows your weakness by watching you. Like a sneaky lion he waits to pounce on an unsuspecting foe. His plan is to exploit and devour you, period [cf. 1 John 2:16]. See his fiery arrows coming before they see you!

Second, be alert against temptation. Jesus said, “Keep watching and praying that you may not come into temptation.” [Mark 14:38]  Have you noticed the temptations ramp up when you are tired, exhausted, or coming off a rough week? When our spiritual eyes are sleepy or shut, it is easy to fall into temptation. You know where you are most vulnerable. It could be your pride, your purity, or your priorities. When you are tired it is easy to put down the guard, when you are traveling it is easy to justify giving in since you are outside your realm of accountability, and when you are under trial the pull is to find an easy way out.

I have 5 moral fences I put up to guard my heart: 1) never drive alone with another woman other than my wife, 2) never counsel a women alone or in a closed office, 3) when I travel I try to bring my wife or a friend with me, 4) I speak openly, often and affectionately of my wife, and 5) when with other women I seek to compliment their character not their appearance. I also seek to keep evenings open for my family and take my wife out for a date once a month. When single I committed not to be alone with a woman unless someone knew. What kind of moral fences have you built to protect your heart from falling into sin?

Third, be alert against apathy. To be apathetic means you chose to ignore what once fired you up. Jesus says to the church at Sardis, “Wake up, and strengthen the things that remain, which are about to die…therefore, what you have received and heard; and keep it, and repent. If therefore you will not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come to you.” [Revelation 3:2-3] An attitude of repentance and brokenness is the antidote for apathy.

Fourth, be alert against false teachers. “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” [2 Timothy 4:3-5; cf. 2 Peter 2:1]

Men, be alert. Be aware of the condition of your heart, your life, your family, and your church. Everyday you are being hunted by your adversary and your temptations are nagging for absolute attention and affection. Men, be alert.

2. “Stand firm in the faith.”

When I hear this phrase I think of the movie, Braveheart or The Patriot. Men are holding the frontline and their leader yells out, “Hold! Don’t waver! Never retreat!” To be firm means you stand with confidence, heads up, fists ready, and body anticipating the blows. Paul is calling men to plant their feet firm in the faith.

Be firm in your spiritual and moral convictions. Be firm in what is true and theological [cf. 15:1 “Now I would remind you, brother, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand”].[2] No one can take your saving faith away from you, but they can trounce on the contents of your faith [1:18-21; 3:18-19; cf. 2 Thessalonians 2:15]. You can be influenced to believe that human wisdom and reasoning are more reasonable than the Word of God. Christians today are too easily swayed by the opinions of others rather than standing firm in their faith. Too many men wilt under pressure.

Before you got married you might had the conviction, “I’m going to be sexually pure, I’m going to wait until the day I get married, I will to treat my woman with dignity and respect, and I’m going keep my hands to myself. I will stand firm.” Then the world says, “Come on? Why wait? It’s okay trying things out to see if you compatible.” Foolish! Relationships are not like going to the used car lot. Honor Christ, get married, love that woman with your whole life and be faithful to her, serve her, and be like Jesus to her. People will make fun of you for that because faithfulness is not popular. What if I am not marriage yet? Finish your degree, pursue your career, pay your bills and taxes, love the Word of God, and be committed to His church. If you meet a nice gal who loves Jesus, go after her. Some of you guys are like, “I don’t know if she knows I exist or will like a guy like me.” There is only one way to find out!? Make the first move.

Many Christians have a hard time standing firm because they are weak in the Word, they are not secure in their understanding of the Word, and they ignore what training or studying they have done. God wrote a book, read it. Use the Word of God as your grid for truth and understanding. If you know the Bible, and you know what is true, and you know what is good, and you know what is right, and you know what the Father in Heaven expects of his sons, “stand firm in the faith.”

3. “Act like men.”

This is the phrase that smacks men right in the keester. It’s a bar mitzvah, coming-of-age statement. It’s like saying, “Grow up. Be mature. Take responsibility. Don’t be like a kid or coward. Stop the silliness.” Paul is not saying “Man up!” like our culture would say [Insert grunt noises here]. Nor is he saying, “You da’ man!” He is saying, “If you’re a Christian man, then act like it!”

Paul says, “When I was a child, I thought like a child, I act like a child, I spoke like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” [cf. 14:20; 3:1-2] Maybe today is it good day for you to go from childhood to adulthood. How does a man grow strong spiritual bones and muscles? He daily eating God’s Word, chews it, digesting it, and exercises it [1 Peter 2:2-3; 2 Timothy 3:16-17]. How do you exercise the Word? Live it! Speaks it! Own it!

Men we are called to act like men. Sure you might be a boy at heart, but sooner or later you got to grow up and be a man. I know some men who are 40-50-60 years old—even in the faith—who still act like spiritually immature boys. We need older men, like Paul, who will have the boyhood to manhood talk with younger men [likewise older women with younger women]. Paul encouraged Titus to cultivate this in his church, “Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness…urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.” [Titus 2:2-8]

I remember being asked to lunch by an older man who was very godly. I was in my early 20’s. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Justin, you have incredible potential for God. Yet you act like young man. You waste a lot of time playing games, chasing girls, and joking around. It is time you grow up and begin acting like a man. The time is now to follow Christ.” I never forgot that conversation. He still pours wisdom into my life. Like Paul training young Timothy we need men training men.

Fathers and future fathers, get your children ready to engage the forces of evil, temptations, and sinful struggles of adulthood before they thrown out to learn on their own without any theological framework to guide their practice. Give your children opportunities to fail under your roof so that they are ready to fight for truth under their own roof. Teach your boys about sexual temptations at a young age, and encourage your girls to be modest for the right motivations. Talk about what God is doing in your life. That’s what it means to “raise up your children in discipline and instruction of the LORD.” [cf. Ephesians 6:1-4]. Life is like the Roman Coliseum and it chews up Christians for breakfast. Men, act like men. Women, empower your men to be men.

4. “Be strong.”

We live in a culture that denigrates men and weakens masculinity. Watch a prime-time sitcom. The average sitcom husband is an idiot. He messes everything up. He’s the butt of every joke. He’s the big, fat, lazy idiot that everybody laughs at. You watch the average kid’s cartoon. The cartoon kid is a genius, his crazy-little-monkey-alien-friend can reason and teach the kid, but his dad is pictured as an incompetent imbecile. Our society sees men as everything but strong.

The verb strong (Grk. krataioo) means to “be strengthened.” Strength is not inherent to humans. The point is: strength only comes from God, “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” [Isaiah 40:28-31]. When I read that my response is, “I need God because He is my strength.”[3]

From a young age men want to be strong. That’s why boys love superheroes, stuntmen, and sports stars. However, the strongest guys are often pictured as bullies, thugs, and jerks. And to that we say, “I don’t want to be strong. Those guys are mean.” Truth is we need men to be stronger than those dudes. Somebody’s got to stand up to them. You’ve got to be strong enough when you see a guy—even in this church—if he’s not being nice to his wife or his kids; he’s not working hard; he’s not being honorable; you need to have courage, you need to have strength, you need to have boldness. You need to be able to put your finger in that guy’s chest and say, “Listen. You’re a Christian. You go to Battle Ground Bible Church. You’re a man. You don’t treat your wife like that. You don’t treat your kids like that. You don’t work your job like that. That’s not how we do things. That’s not how God’s men are.”

At our church we believe that God made male and female, very good, equal in the image of God, distinct in roles, for the glory of God. We believe that both men and women are to be respected, and instructed, and exhorted toward holiness. I know some men did not grow up knowing Jesus. Some of you did not have a dad. Some have a dad that was not a godly or good man or a man you wouldn’t want to be like. In 1 Corinthians 11:7, Paul says something very important. He says men are the glory of what? God. Men are image and glory of God. Let’s lift up our men. Empower our men with God’s strength [i.e. Stephanas, 16:12-18]. God encourages godly leadership.

5. “Let all you do be done in love.”

You can do all the above without love [watch, firm, act, strong], but without love it is meaningless [cf. 16:22-24; love chapter 13; 1:9-10]. The absence of love would mean that these are just duties without delight. Love is not just the attitude of a follower of Christ it is the atmosphere of a followers life. The most attractive and effective element of your manliness is your love.

Men are to be gentlemen, not angry men; not violent men; not rude men; not crusty men; but bold men; courageous men; loving men like Jesus. Jesus—the conquering King—had a humble, gentle, loving strength that wove through the fabric of everything He did and said [John 13:34-35; Ephesians 5:1].

My daughter is only 7-months old. I love that little girl. But I tell you what, parenting is so sanctifying. I cannot imagine what it will be like 13 or 16 years from now!? Pray for me, all right. Children teach parents a lot about God. I remember holding my newborn girl who was crying unstoppably in the middle of the night. As frustrated as I was it reminded me of how utterly dependent she is on us, and how utterly dependent I am on God. Today my love for her and her mama is soaring.

In conclusion, in this brief guide to biblical manhood, I have a few applications for everyone to take home. First, to fathers when you struggle to live these five imperatives, look to Jesus because each are seen in His life and ministry, even on the cross. Second, to single men, God’s strategy is for men is to act rather than react. Plan now to put into practice these imperative before you have a woman or kiddos. This is part of biblical leadership. Third, to women married or single, encourage and empower your men to adhere to these imperatives. Pray for them, respect them; treat them as the glory of God. Fourth, to our church, what our church is looking for is a few good men who will walk with Christ, stand with Christ, and lead like Christ!

“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” [1 Corinthians 16:13-14]

Father God, we thank you for being our Father. Lord Jesus, we thank you for being our Savior. Holy Spirit, we thank you for indwelling us, instructing us, convicting us, leading us, guiding us, empowering us and transforming us. I thank you for inspiring Paul’s last words about loving like Jesus. I pray that you would convict men to follow Jesus and lead others toward Him. I pray that our men would be like Jesus committing to His church, reading the Bible about Jesus, confessing sins to Jesus, imitating Jesus, worshiping Jesus until one day, we get to see you Lord Jesus!

[1] Cf. Matthew 24:42ff; 25:13; Mark 13:34ff; 2 Peter 3:10-12

[2] Cf. Jude 3; 1 Timothy 6:12; Philippians 1:27; Colossians 4:12

[3] cf. 2:3-5; 3:6-7, 18; 4:10; 10:12; 2 Corinthians 12:4, 7, 9; Ephesians 3:16; 6:10; Philippians 4:13; 1 Timothy 1:12; Psalm 27:14

free books for dudes [dads]

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We all love free books. Happy fathers day, dudes! Enjoy these free books compliments of some great ministries. Just click on the pictures to download your free books:

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thumb lick thursday [5.5.11]

Posted in finances, marriage, missions, preaching, thumb licksTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What if I have a conflict with my spouse Sunday morning before church?

I wish I could answer this from a hypothetical perspective.  I cannot.  In fact, I have fresh experience from which to write this post. There are significant implications for the pastor and his wife who have a conflict that goes unresolved leading into the Sunday morning service.  Ours started on a Saturday night.  In a rare moment in our marriage, the hurt and frustration went unresolved and carried over into Sunday morning.  We drove to church still struggling.  We both chose not to go to Sunday school, but to go off separately to think, pray, and try to figure out how we each contributed to this rare circumstance of lingering conflict.

How Are Mac & PC People Different?

In an infographic that’s bound to cause arguments and perhaps fistfights, researchers at Hunch placed data from about 700,000 of its website visitors onto a deep illustration that shows just how different users of Macs and PCs are. They came up with interesting correlations between users’ chosen computing platforms and their demographics and personalities, as well as tastes in food, fashion and media.

The 4 P’s of Business

Many Christians inhabit the world of business, a realm that pastors frequently berate and misunderstand. There are dilemmas faced in the business world that go unnoticed by other Christians. This post is a sermon on business ethics from Proverbs that touched on some of those issues. It is structured around four priorities of business and a concise vision for business ethics.

DA Carson on Biblical Exegesis

Trail Guide: a global journey for God’s Glory

lessons learned from my second year of marriage

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Marriage is still sanctifying. I would lie if I were to say, “Marriage is easy.” Put two sinners in a room and you will have conflict, but we have both so benefitted from the spiritual growth in Christ.

My brides beauty is accelerating. Every day my wife becomes more and more beautiful to me. Sarah is the most beautiful woman I know.

Sorry is a cheap substitute for forgiveness. I have learned that saying sorry is not all that effective. Seeking forgiveness is more meaningful and biblical.

Sarah is more than this man’s best friend. Sarah is my closest companion. I love talking, playing games, reading books, watching documentaries and biographies, and taking walks with this wonderful woman. She is more than a friend. She is a lover I love and long to be with.

Study your wife [1 Peter 3:7]. Although I have only taken 2 steps in this mile long journey and still have 5278 more steps to go, I enjoy the new discoveries and territories yet to be explored. I feel like Christopher Columbus charting the course toward a new land or Jacque Cousteau diving depths the seas anticipating to see, hear, and learn about the mysteries beyond the surface of the deep.

Encourage creativity. Stiffing creativity sours a marriage. Sarah is a wonderful writer, song writer, and artist. Giving her freedom to devote time and energy to these talents not only benefits her, but also her husband. I love it when Sarah makes new dinner dishes. They do not always turn out [i.e. mystery stew], but at least she does not have fear of trying. I have learned to choke it down and then tactfully tell her to try something different next time.

Watching my wife transform into a mother has been a great privelage. I had no doubt Sarah would be a great young mother. She has grown so much in the last few month as she cares for an utterly dependent young girl.

Eating dinner together and sitting together afterwards is important time. I am normally a fast eater and I never enter the military. Taking time to eat around the table to talk about our day, pray, and spend quality time together has tremendous value for our marriage relationship.

Submitting to Christ is the source of true love in marriage [Ephesians 5:21ff]. It is helpful that Sarah reminds me that she loves her Savior. I love it that she desires and encourages me to be like Him than being like some other example of man.

are prenuptial agreements biblical?

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Today it is common for couples entering marriage to craft contracts with an attorney dividing the assets between what is ‘mine, yours and ours’. These contracts are helpful if the couple were to divorce or die. Yet an important question lingers: Are prenuptial agreements biblical?

The Bible never deals with the subject of marriage contracts or prenuptial agreements with built-in clauses negotiating the division of assets and/or custody of children in the event of divorce. However, the Bible does speak of agreements and marriage.

GOD AGREES WITH MARRIAGE AGREEMENTS

First, the Bible describes marriage as a permanent lifelong covenant that is both unconditional [never to be broken] and universal [for all people of all times]. When a couple stands in a marriage ceremony before God and their witness sharing an “until death takes us apart” vow of commitment, it is more than an agreement or handshake between two parties. God calls it a spiritual covenant. The covenant is between two humans who vow to forever love each other by becoming one-flesh. God sees marriage as an everlasting agreement.

At wedding ceremonies you often hear 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 read. This passage teaches unconditional love, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” As committed followers of Christ enter the marriage covenant, this love is possible through Christ. Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” It is wise for couples to participate in pre-marital counseling and post-marital counseling from their local church to receive biblical wisdom on how to cultivate this kind of unconditional love.

When God created Eve from Adam’s rib, He was signifying the purpose of a husband-and-wife relationship. The woman is the man’s helper, the man is the woman’s protector and leader, and both are submissive to Christ. Ephesians 5:21-33 teaches about the roles of a husband and wife in marriage. Both spouses should submit to each other out of reverence for Christ [v. 21]. The husband has the final authority as Christ does for His church. When the husband is lovingly submitting to the will of Jesus, the wife will in turn lovingly submit to her husband. Husbands are called to love their wives with the same love that Christ showed the church [v. 25]. Christ loved the church enough to sacrifice His life for it.

Even if you marry someone who is not a committed follower of Christ or who falls away from God, you are not to leave him or her. At the least you are to be a Christlike example, and the unbelieving spouse may be won to Christ by your example [1 Corinthians 7:10-16; 1 Peter 3:1-7).

Second, the biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage are very narrow when those married are both committed followers of Jesus Christ [i.e. adultery; Matthew 19:9]. So Jesus warned, “What God has joined together, let no man separate” [Matthew 19:6]. Marriage is a sacred covenant.

Divorces are always messy and emotional. It is like trying to rip apart plywood. With or without a prenuptial agreement onefleshness is an important factor to consider. How can man separate what God miraculously unifies, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” [Genesis 2:24]  The one flesh of the marriage union is an emotional, physical and spiritual bond. God despises divorce (Malachi 2:16). The only reason divorce was ever allowed was because of sin and peoples refusal to obey God’s Word. “Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended’” [Matthew 19:8].

There are no reasons two committed followers of Christ who are faithful to God and one another should ever need a divorce. Yes, the two people will sin, but God calls you to forgive one other just as He has forgiven you. Unforgiveness could be a sign you are not truly His grateful children [Matthew 6:9-15].

AGREE TO DISAGREE WITH PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS

God intended marriage to be permanent and lifelong covenant. The marriage ceremony is not a contract, but a symbol of covenant. When two committed followers of Christ enter marriage it should be with the intention that divorce is not possible. To have a prenuptial agreement allows—if not assumes—for the possibility of divorce.

Couldn’t a conditionalized prenuptial agreement be a built-in way for a couple to “cross their fingers” when saying, “I do”?  Our world today, says prenuptial agreements are necessary, and anyone who does not enter into one is a fool and will ultimately get financially burned. Therefore, couples make provision for the decision of one or both partners to violate their vows. What the Bible teaches about marriage does not fit into the notion of a “just in case we get divorced you can’t take my stuff” agreement. This could demonstrate a lack of commitment to one another in such a fundamentally important and biblically intimate relationship.

Couldn’t a conditionalized prenuptial agreement be an issue of materialism? It could be argued that prenuptial agreements increase marital trust by taking the issue of money “off the table”. However, it is said that money issues are the #1 reason why marriages end in divorce. Committed followers of Christ are encouraged to respond joyfully when their assets are lost or plundered [Hebrew 10:32-34]. God says money is not inherently sinful, but the love of it is. Money can take the place of God. You cannot take your hearse or a a trailer packed with your money and possessions. Heaping up treasures on earth do not compare with the treasures of Heaven [Matthew 6:19-33]. It is worth serious consideration before a couple marries—if either man or woman is wealthy—to ask: “Are we really willing to let go of it if we had to?”

A prenuptial agreement might not be the wisest idea, though the Bible does not directly speak against it. There is not anything intrinsically evil or sinful about prenuptial agreements, but they might not convey the most biblical approach to marriage. It could raise questions of mistrust, which can have a harmful effect on the marriage relationship. It is understandable why non-Christians would contract prenuptials because of the unbiblical view of marriage, but for a Christian who understands covenant marriage, it is a different story.

Commitment is the cornerstone of marriage. Without commitment to Christ and one another, marriage fails. Christ is the glue that keeps a committed marriage together. Marriage itself is a beautiful picture of the Gospel concerning Christ’s commitment to His church. After a sinner commits to Christ within a redemptive relationship God never divorces Himself from His children. There are certainly no “if’s” or “maybe’s” about the Gospel. May your marriage put Christ and His church on display through your lifelong commitment to faithfully follow Christ and serve your spouse!

Questions to ask before getting a prenuptial agreement:

Q: What is the purpose of a prenuptial agreement? How is that purpose different for committed Christians and non-Christians?

Q: Do the prenuptials contradict our marital vows to one another?

Q: What about the implications for Christ’s marriage to His bride, the Church?

Q: How does the gospel help you understand everyday human marriage?

Biblical Resources on Marriage and Pre-Marriage:

Biblical Resources on Money in Marriage:

Biblical Resources on Divorce:

thumb lick thursday [3.31.11]

Posted in Bible, children, counseling, marriage, missions, parenting, quirky, quotes, suffering, thumb licks, worshipTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Lick it, flip it, clip it, quote it. A thumb lick is a term used to describe the action taken when turning the page of a book. While reading I often find great one-liners, statements and paragraphs that are golden nuggets of biblical wisdom. So Thumb Lick Thursday is a way to pass along great tidbits of truth.

Is Mandated Bible Reading Healthy for Kids?

This is probably one of the most common questions  I hear from parents wanting to establish Christian disciplines in their kids. Every Christian parent deals with this at some point. They struggle with what they should mandate vs just encourage their kids to do. And with this, how much? At what point will we defeat our purpose and discourage them?

Hope for hurting marriages

There are far too many marriages in our Churches and communities that are hanging together by very thin threads. When marriages are like this, patterns of neglect are almost always part of the reason. It takes commitment and work for a marriage to be the mutually satisfying relationship it was intended to be (Note: 5 key commitments for a good marriage).

Worth-ship

Worship is “worth-ship”, an acknowledgement of the worth of Almighty God…It is therefore impossible for me to worship God and yet not care two cents whether anybody else worships Him too…Worship does not beget witness is hypocrisy. We cannot acclaim worth of God if we have no desire to proclaim it. – John Stott, Our Guilty Silence. 27-28

Suffering & Death

The Greatest single secret of evangelistic or missionary effectiveness is the willingness to suffer and die. It may be a death to popularity (by fatefully preaching the unpopular biblical gospel), or to pride (by the use of modest methods in reliance on the Holy Spirit), or to radical and national prejudice (by identification with another culture), or to material comfort (by adopting a simpler lifestyle). But the servant must suffer if he is to bring light to the nations, and the seed must die if it is to multiply. – John Stott, The Cross of Christ, Leicester: IVP, and Downers Grove, IL. 1986. 322.

What are you Sinking about?

It is easy for communication to be lost in translation. This commercial by the German Coast Guard and their new recruit emphasize this point.

extreme makeover: marriage edition

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Most people have seen the show Extreme Makeover. On the reality show a family in desperate need of home renovation is surprised with the opportunity it receive the needed renovations. The show usually destroys the old home and rebuilds a new one. We love the show because in the end the family has a wonderful new home.

When it comes to our real homes—marriage. There are times when an extreme makeover is needed. For whatever reason the home has become rundown over time, bad habits, or weak foundation, and you do not have the resources or know-how to fix it. Building a solid marriage can be difficult. It takes hard work to build or renovate a marriage into God’s kind of marriage. The Church in Ephesians is compared to a: body [1:22, 23], building [2:20-22], and now a bride [5:31-32]. Let’s begin by looking at the foundations of a solid marriage through the roles of each partner within the marriage relationship.

The Role of the Wife [Ephesians 5:22-24]

The primary role of the wife is submission [v.22]. Submission sounds like a dirty word. Submission is a willingness to lovingly, joyfully, and freely follow authority. Submission is not an option, but a command to lovingly, joyfully and freely follow her husband as she would follow Christ.

Is submission for wives only? No. Submission is a concept for all believers [5:21]. Everyone is summoned to submit to some kind of authority. You submit to your spouses [Ephesians 5:22], parents [6:1-4], government [Romans 13:1], church [Hebrews 13:17; 1 Peter 5:5], and ultimately God. Submission is a spiritual matter because all submission is obedience to God’s authority. Jesus says, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” [John 14:15]

Why is submission a difficult command for people to obey? It is an authority issue. Your natural reaction is buck against any authority that tells you how to live. It started when Satan rebelled against God’s authority and continued in the hearts of men from the Garden of Eden until now [Romans 3:10-18]. A lack of submission originates from a desire to be king of your domain rather than letting God be King of His domain.

Headship is the motivation for submission [v.23a]. In Ephesians, headship refers to Christ [1:22; 4:15], but here it is being implied on the husband. Headship has the biblical idea of ruler or leader. Without the headship of Christ over the church the building would not have a cornerstone, and without a cornerstone would crumble. Have you heard it said, “There are too many chiefs and no Indians?” This is a common phrase to say that there are too many people demanding control, but too few willing to follow another persons lead. In Genesis 3:16, woman is cursed with the desire to rule over their husbands [cf. 4:7]. Two chiefs in a marriage can become a two-headed monster. It is a monster that needs to be slain. The church submits to Christ because she knows the benefits of being united with Him. Likewise the wife submits to the headship of her husband.

Submission to authority, especially within marriage, sometimes becomes abused. Submission does not mean the wife becomes a slave or inferior to the husband [Proverbs 31:10-31]. The Bible never commands a husband to force his wife to submit; rather the wife is commanded to make herself submissive as her husband’s helper [cf. 1 Peter 3:1; Genesis 2:18]. Since Christ is the example of headship, the husband is to be as loving and life-giving in their marriage relationship as Christ is over the church. God created men and women equally within the image of God [Genesis 1:26-27; 2:23; Galatians 3:28], but He has given them distinct roles to fulfill that are for their good and God’s glory.

Christ is the model for submission [v.23b-24]. How can a wife submit to her husband? Simply by following the example of the church’s submission to Christ: speak the truth in love [cf. 4:15; 4:25; Proverbs 9:3], point him to Christ with your actions [1 Peter 3:1-6], extend the forgiveness of Christ when he sins, and affirm his leadership.

The Role of the Husband [Ephesians 5:25-30]

The husband’s primary role is a commitment to love his wife like Christ loves His church [v.25; cf. Genesis 2:19-20; 3:20]. He is to be a lover, leader [Matthew 20] and learner [1 Peter 3:7]. He loves her enough to lead her to walk with God as He models it himself for her. As the husband seeks to humbly serve God, it is reflected in the way he loves, leads, and learns to his wife.

Why is it important for a husband to follow the example of Christ? Christ was a servant leader [Matthew 20]. He came not to be served, but to serve. He was a king that gave Himself sacrificially for His Bride. It is not that the church deserves to be given His love, but His love is an expression of His grace. He did not give 50/50 waiting for the church to love Him back. He gave it all, 100%. Husbands do not hold back from loving sacrificially to your wife.

The Bible gives many words for love: The first word is erao, which is a physical or sexual love. Erao is where you get the word erotic. It is a pleasurable love to be saved for the marriage bed only. The second word is phileo, which is an emotional love. This is the love you share with a brother or close friend. Phileo will see objects as worthy of love. Peter used this word of Jesus [John 21:20ff]. The third word for love in the Bible is agapao, which is an intellectual and volitional love. Agapao is a committed, God-like love. Jesus used this word of Peter and God uses it toward sinful mankind [John 3:16].

In relationships, these words for love have a proper order. If you start with sexual love it will be almost impossible to have true committed love because the relationship is built on physicality rather than friendship and commitment. If you begin with committed and brotherly love, it will create the best atmosphere for sexual love and additional loves grow. A husband’s Christlike love has a sanctifying effect on marriage [vs.26-27].

Why is important for a husband to view his wife’s body as part of his own? [vs.28-30] No man treats his own body in an unloving way, therefore a husband who views his wife’s body as his own will treat his wife lovingly as well. A loving husband will protect and provide for his wife as his most prized possession. A husband protects and provides for his wife is with his time, careful ear, encouragement, and appreciation for her inner and outer beauty.

Reviewing the Biblical Basis for Marriage [Ephesians 5:31-33]

Marriage is a picture of oneness [v.31]. Oneness is the miracle of marriage—when two people become one flesh [cf. Genesis 2:24]. Oneness in marriage means your spouse becomes priority above my career, friends, sinful habits, and hobby’s.

Marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church [v.32]. What does Paul mean by mystery? [cf.3:9] The symbol of marriage was hidden, but is now revealed. Why is marriage a mystery? Marriage is a picture of salvation through Christ’s sacrificial relationship with the church, which is made up of both Jew and Gentile. Marriage is a typology of marriage that shows the unity of Christ [Bridegroom] with His church [Bride]. This gives marriage a divine significance.

Marriage glorifies God when the husband and wife are fulfilling their roles [v.33]. The purpose of marriage is not my happiness, fulfillment, or love, although these can be fruits of a godly marriage. Marriage is bigger than just my spouse and me, but it is about a display of Christ-like love and obedience to the world.

love & relationships 101

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QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS

  1. Who’s in your drivers seat?
  2. Why preparing for marriage matters?
  3. What about sex before marriage?
  4. Dating, courting, or waiting?
  5. Is true love possible?
  6. How to choose the right relationship?

GOD’S ANSWER & HIS HIGH STANDARDS FOR RELATIONSHIPS

  1. Both of you must be faithful followers committed to Jesus Christ
  2. Marriage is a picture of a divine and permanent relationship
  3. Sexual intimacy is for the marriage bed only
  4. Every relationship is to be viewed as sacred
  5. You cannot get a refund on your relationships
  6. Seek someone with Christlike character

JUST FOR FUN

When Vince Lombardi took over the Green Bay Packers as Head Coach the team was a mess. The team did not function as a team. They were confused by complicated schemes and lack of discipline. During one of the first practices Lombardi gathered the men together and said, “This is a football.” It is not that they didn’t know what a football was, but they had forgotten the basics of the game. That summer Lombardi gave his men a 101 course in the fundamentals of football and their dedication helped them to become world champions.

Bookstores are lined with relationship advice. The internet is bogged down with sites sharing the newest dating and marital tips. You could spend over a thousand lifetimes reading all the love and relationship information in the saturated media-sphere until every orifice of your body is oozing relationship factoids. You might be a self-proclaimed expert on relationships and win the love and romance categories on Jeopardy, but in real life your relationships are flunking.

More information is not the answer, rather it is living as your were called within your relationships. Let’s make it simple, pull off your dusty Bible from the shelf and see what the wise inventor of human relationships has to say. God has high and helpful standards for our relationships. If God’s has a high standard for relationships so should you.

how to choose the right relationship?

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“…and they lived happily ever after. The End.” These are the magical words every human wants within the relationship chapters of their real life love story. We go goo-goo over happy endings. Last week we looked at the story or Hosea and Gomer. It was a story that didn’t appear to have a happy ending, but God can restore any broken relationship to a point that it can be better than it ever was before. Today we will look at another love story from the Book of Ruth.

The story of Ruth begins with a family tragedy. Naomi’s family line has ended with the death of her husband. Naomi’s son dies from sickness, leaving his wife Ruth without a husband or children. To make it worse, both of Naomi’s sons die. So Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth are left as widows without home, without personal property, wandering in a foreign land, and without hope of marrying again. However, this sober scene of emptiness and hopelessness sets the stage for one of the worlds most wonderful and powerful love stories.

Throughout the story of Ruth you will see some quality characteristics arise that are essential to securing a godly future mate. I will use Ruth as a grid for excellent questions when considering and preparing for your future relationships.

excellent questions to ask a potential mate before you begin a relationship:

Are they stuck in sin? [Ruth 1:16-18] When Naomi heard that the famine had lifted in her homeland she decided it was best to go back home. Naomi gave permission for Ruth to stay and perhaps get married again, but Ruth does something very peculiar, she decides to go with Naomi. It can be easy to make more out of this situation than there is, but it could have been easy for Ruth to stay put and continue life in Moab. She decided to make the move away from Moab. In a sense Ruth moves from her home, culture, past, and gods to follow her mother-in-law and ultimately her God.

When pursuing a potential mate it is good get a panorama of their life to see if they are stuck in their sin. In order to understand if this is the case you will have to ask some vulnerable questions: Do they live in the past? Do they hang around people, places and things that keep them living in a virtual Moab? If the answer is yes to these questions then proceed with caution because in most cases these people will not change within a relationship with you. If there is good evidence that they have left these things behind to follow God you have the makings of a great mate.

Are they willing to put in the hard work? [Ruth 2:1-7] Naomi and Ruth arrived in Bethlehem on time for the yearly harvest. Though they were single and homeless they did not sulk or feel sorry for themselves. Ruth found work on a farm owned by Boaz, who was related to Naomi’s husband. It was a low level job, as respectable as flipping burgers or cleaning toilets. To Ruth it was a job that supported her and Naomi. She worked hard and did not complain. Boaz saw her working in the field and was attracted to her. He watched her work hard. He observed her character from afar. This is the turning point of the story for Ruth.

Before I began a relationship Sarah, I watched her in action. I was certainly attracted to Sarah. I was attracted to more than her beauty for she was a woman marked by her love for God, sensitivity to sin, hard work ethic, and contagious care for ordinary people.  How do you tackle a tough job? Do you tackle tasks with tenacity? Have you ever thought these tasks might be a test where someone is watching you to size up you character?

Are they loyal and committed to relationships? [Ruth 2:11-12] Ruth continued to care for Naomi even though there was nothing Naomi could do in return for Ruth. Ruth was loyal and committed to her relationship with Naomi. She listened to Naomi and respected her mentoring. This loyalty and commitment to support her only surviving family made her all the more attractive to Boaz [vs.11-12].

When looking for a potential mate it is wise to observe if they have a good track record of relationships, especially with their parents, family, and friends. If the person you are pursuing plays dodge ball by running and jumping in and out of relationships, beware you just might be the next target to get hit.

Are they willing to protect your purity? [3:7-14] The scene to follow might sound a little risqué. Ruth comes into the threshing floor and lies down at Boaz’s feet. Why did she lay at his feet? It was Ruth’s way of telling him that she really wanted to marry him. It appears she is making herself available to him. They are alone, it’s late, and the opportunity to compromise by having sex could have come easily, but Boaz protects Ruth’s purity and loves her enough to wait.

What Women Want is a movie about a chauvinistic man who gains the ability to hear what women are thinking. Women went crazy over him because finally a man was listening. Most wish this was a reality, but the Bible is on track with what women and men want in a potential mate. What men really want is a woman with godly character [3:11]. What women really want is true love that protects [2:4], provides, praises, and honors their purity.

Waiting to have sex until marriage is part of God’s plan. God created sex to be beautiful, lovely, and too exhilarating for words, but He also commanded you to save sex for the marriage bed. It is important to adhere to God’s counsel concerning sex because the choices you make before the wedding will impact your marriage after the wedding. Couples who disobey God by having sex before marriage are at higher risk of divorce, adultery and serious sin struggles within their marriage. Seek a mate that will protect your purity.

Are they willing to consider wise counsel in difficult situations? [Ruth 4:13-17] Low and behold, Boaz is not the closest relative, which means he could be relinquished of the right to claim Ruth’s property to Ruth’s closer relative. Boaz does his homework and makes the arrangements to meet this man. As a result, Boaz is waived, redeemed, and is given the right to marry Ruth. They are blessed with a wonderful marriage, a newborn son, Naomi’s family is restored, and they lived happily ever after. The End.

the story of Ruth is about less about human relationships & more about a divine relationship

After a quick skim through Ruth it would be easy to conclude that this book is a Divine Guide to Dating for Dummies, or a thesis on all types of relationships from parenting, singleness, courtship, marriage, to grand parenting. Although read Ruth again and you will notice relationships are a secondary theme to the gospel theme. The Bible as a whole from cover to cover paints a beautiful picture of hesed—the loving kindness of Incarnation, resurrection, ascension, and kingly Return of Christ [i.e. the gospel]. This is the golden thread that weaves though the story of Ruth.

When you turn to the genealogy of Jesus you will see Ruth mentioned as the great grandmother of King David [Matthew 1:5-6], which ultimately is the royal line that leads to Jesus. Throughout the book of Ruth the hidden hand of God is present preserving His promises of a Savior even in the most unlikely situation. God uses Ruth [a foreigner] and Boaz to carry out His promised plan. Imagine if Ruth stay in Moab and never met Boaz. This story might not have been as glorious and God-centered. The lesson for you and me in this story is to follow God no matter how the present emptiness and hopelessness because God is at work. For you will be the most happy when you are in His hands.

wise resources to look at before settling on a future mate:

A Sweet and Bitter Providence [John Piper]

Redeeming Ruth

is true love possible?

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From a young age, boys and girls grow up with the stories of true love like Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, and countless romantic classics that depict men as chivalrous rescuers and woman as radiant beauties. As we grow older we love still stories like The Notebook and Braveheart because women want to be pursued and men want to sweep their beauty off their feet. We are wired to want life long love.

The Bible has a lot to say about love and relationships. Thus far we have discussed four of God’s standards for relationships. First, both partners must be faithful followers committed to Jesus Christ. Second, marriage is a picture of a divine and permanent relationship. Third, sexual intimacy is for the marriage bed only. Fourth, every relationship with the opposite sex must be viewed as sacred. And today we will see that you cannot get a refund your relationships.

You live a world where you can return anything. Even dumping your lover or signing divorce papers are easy as taking back a pair of shoes to Payless. So what’s the use of marriage vows? A vow is not “I hope so” or “I will try my best”; rather it is “I will!”  When I gazed into the eyes of my wife on the altar during our wedding ceremony I repeated to her, “I Justin, take you Sarah, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death takes us apart. And this day pledge to you my faithfulness.” In that moment, I was sobered by the serious this vow. I was committing myself to another human being. When it comes to relationships—particularly marriage—there is no return policy. No divorce or dumping can erase one-flesh.

Is true love possible?

Have you ever heard of the love story of Hosea and Gomer? With a name like Gomer it must be one amazing love story!? Gomer might not sound beautiful, but the story of Hosea and Gomer is one of the most endearing true love stories of the Bible. Hosea the prophet married Gomer the prostitute. Now most romances usually do not begin like this, but God arranged this marriage. However, through their relationship you will see a husband’s unconditional love for his wife.

Hosea knew about Gomer’s promiscuous past and probably knew that being married to a woman with this kind of baggage would not be easy. He was right. After they had three children together [1:2-9], Gomer ran away from her home and went back to work selling herself on the street. In our day, she would be arrested and removed of all custody to be near her children. In her day, she could have been killed or sold into slavery. She was running from more than her husband and children, she was running from God.

God let Gomer run for a little while through the thorns, but He did not let her run for long [2:6-10]. All the while He was right besides her, pursuing her heart, blocking her path, and whispering in her ear, “Where are you running to, my dear child.” God is a pursuer-lover. He does not let go of those He loves, even if they shamelessly spit in His face.

The story of Hosea and Gomer has such similarity to story of the father and his prodigal son [Luke 15:11-32]. The son asked for an early installment on his dad’s inheritance. The dad graciously gave it up to his son only to have him bolt immediately to blow it all in a Vegas night. The night ends with the son wrestling pigs for their slop. The father freely let his son run, but when the son came back begging for mercy the father embraced his son and threw him a welcome home celebration. God gives you freedom to run with boundaries. Your God-given freedom does not give you the right to break God’s guidelines for life for this will make you a slave to your own sinful passions.

Gomer came to the place where she had nothing.  She was stripped of everything. I suppose she reaped what she sowed; she got what she deserved. In her mind, the only solution was to sell herself as a slave. The story does not end on here; Hosea buys Gomer from the slave market [3:1-3]. Can you picture the moment? Can you see Hosea leaving his home, looking in his wallet at the money he would use to purchase back his promiscuous wife and mommy of three children? Can you hear the auctioneer bidding with Hosea responding, “15 pieces of silver”? I can imagine Gomer’s eyes filling with tears as she sees her husband pursuing her to restore her as his wife.

The love story of Hosea and Gomer mirrors Gods love towards Israel. God in a sense wed Himself to an unfaithful people. God made a covenant relationship with Israel. This covenant came with blessings and curses depending on Israel’s fidelity and loyalty. Since, Israel was unfaithful the curses were being activated [cf. blessings and curses of Deuteronomy 28; R.C Sproul, Curse Motif].

What are the relationship lessons learned from Hosea and Gomer?

First, God is angered by unfaithfulness. God is particularly outraged by unfaithfulness towards Him. When you rebel against God there must be a consequence. God is like a jealous husband who desires His wife solely and for her not to share her love with another.

Second, God is a loyal lover. God’s faithful love is unfathomable. Although the people He loves are unfaithful He bends over backwards to buy back His promiscuous bride. He runs with an eager pursuit to express His unconditional love to His people.

Third, idolatry can creep into any relationship. Israel’s unfaithfulness had to do with their love for another god. Moreover their religious practices became an idol that clouded them from seeing their One True Love. Idolatry is sharing your love with something other than God. People can be idols, but God never meant for marriage to be-all.

Fourth, God’s anger and love must lead to our repentance. This is the gospel—man is responsible to God, man rebels against God, Jesus redeems man, and man responds to God’s love. Instead of Gomer being on the auction block it is you. Your sin put you on the slave market, but Jesus stepped in to purchase you as His own. He raised His nail pierced hands claiming you as His child. The gavel falls, “Sold!” The price for your soul was the Son of Man shedding His blood on the cross. The love story of Hosea and Gomer is most clearly seen in the person and work of Jesus Christ.

True love is possible. Obedience to Christ is the starting point towards knowing what true love is all about. Without a relationship with Jesus Christ you will not know what true love is or how to share it with another person. The sacrificial and unconditional love of Jesus Christ is our model for true love. I am certainly glad that God did not return me when I failed Him.

quick Q&A concerning difficult relationship situations:

Since Hosea married someone who is immoral is this okay for me to do too? This question must be answered carefully. First, it is true you are both sinners and you both marry with sinful baggage. Still you must careful consider whom you marrying. It is good to ask the question: Am I willing to partner with them know what I know about them?

What if my spouse leaves me? Forgiveness and restoration are always the goal, but you cannot control the responses or actions of other people. Your faithfulness [1 Peter 3:1-6] and sacrificial love [Ephesians 5:25ff] will speak more than your words will ever utter. Marriage will be tough at times. God designed marriage to you holy, not just happy.

What if my spouse my relationship is abusive and unsafe? Get help. Call your pastor, but if you are in immediate danger call the police. Separation from your spouse for a time is appropriate they can submit to self-control. I found this message, Living with an Angry Spouse, by Ed Welch very helpful.

Additional Resources to Prepare for the Marriage Relationship:

Should We Get Married? [William Smith]

Questions to ask before you Get Engaged [Sojourn Counseling]

The Mystery of Marriage [James Hamilton Jr.]

dating, courting, or waiting?

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Dating is a big business—the Internet is littered with dating sights giving any kind of advice under the sun. Google “dating” and you will retrieve over 500 million hits. Dating is a hot topic. When it comes to being a Christian and dating you are in a pickle because the Bible does not talk about dating. This is lack of information has caused Christians to settle for the modern standard of dating, which has some obvious deficiencies that contradict God’s perspective of relationships. Can today’s way of dating be redeemed? Is there a better way to finding the “one”?

Thus far we have discussed three of God’s standards for relationships. First, both partners must be faithful follower committed to Jesus Christ [2 Corinthians 6:14-16]. Second, marriage is a picture of a divine and permanent relationship [Ephesians 5:25-28]. Third, sexual intimacy is for the marriage bed only. Today we will discover from the Scripture that every relationship with the opposite sex must be viewed as sacred.

Statistics show Christian daters mimic non-Christians daters in terms of sex outside of marriage, living together before marriage, and adultery and divorce after marriage. The church and the world are mirrored images when it comes to relationships. This is a dishonor to Christ and the glory of His Bride—the church. In my opinion, the modern dating has a lot to do with this.

What are the Deficiencies of Modern Dating?[1]

First, dating often skips the friendship stage of the relationship. Second, dating often mistakes the physical relationship for love. The dating game assumes several test-drive relationships. Infatuation is not a true measure intimacy. Nor does sex equal love or commitment. Dating often fails to adhere to physical and emotional guardrails or purpose to run from temptation.

Third, dating often isolates you from other vital accountable relationships [friends, parents, teachers, pastors, etc.] making the one you are dating an idol. The idea of the man seeking the approval of the father has become a way of the past [Numbers 30:3-16]. Fourth, dating can distract you from preparing for the future. The biblical perspective of all relationships is for mutual encouragement to help one another become God’s kind of man or woman and preparing yourself for marriage.

Fifth, dating can discourage you from God’s gift of singleness [1 Corinthians 7]. As you become older you might think settling for any relationship is best because your biological clock is ticking. Maybe you think a relationship will cure your loneliness and make all your dreams come true. Human relationships are wonderful and helpful, however, no person can fill a relational void or loneliness quite like God. Your primary relationship will always be God. Therefore, waiting in singleness is not a waste of time; rather it is in moments of waiting that God’s infuses you with His courage and strength. Before meeting my wife, Sarah, I was a single man for many years. There were many moments when it was hard to wait, but God used my time of waiting to mature my faith and grow my faithfulness.

Sixth, dating can create an artificial environment to evaluate one another’s character [i.e. today dating is viewed as recreational—for the fun of it!]. Daters will ask, “Is there chemistry between us? Are they good looking enough? Are they fun?” This is the most important question you must ask, “Do I see myself committing to this person for life?” Finally, dating becomes an end in itself.

Is there a better alternative to dating?

Yes, I would propose courtship. Now many can argue that the Bible has nothing to say about courtship too. They are correct. Both dating and courtship were not part of the pattern of society in biblical times. Courtship and dating did not appear on the relational radar screen until the Victorian Era and WWII Baby Boomer Generation. Why choose courtship over dating? Courtship chooses: solid friendship before marriage, purity, and seeks wise counsel of parents, mentors, and mature Christians friends. Courtship does not pursue a romantic relationship until you are ready for long lasting love. Courtship prepares you for the permanent relationship of marriage, and it is content with singleness in times of waiting [Philippians 4:11-12].

The motives are often different between dating and courtship. Courtship focuses on being the right person, while dating focuses on finding the right person [cf. Matthew 24:38; Luke 20:34-35]. Courtship is the best move towards a marriage relationship today because it adheres to the most biblical relationship standard.

How do I come to this conclusion?

I believe the Bible is completely sufficient to give counsel for all areas of life, including relationships. Although the Bible would be considered ancient literature written in a different culture than ours, I believe the Bible transcends culture and people are just as sinful today as generations past. I believe the Bible is without error, authoritative, and inspired by Holy Spirit, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” [2 Timothy 3:16-17]

So how does the sufficiency of the Bible apply to our relationships? Christians today have bought into the current cultures standard for relationships, while the Bibles standard has become ignored or misunderstood. Even though the Bible says zilch about dating or courtship, it has a lot to say about personal relationships. Here are some key passages that talk about biblical relationships:[2]

  • I Corinthians 6:9-7:19 This is a command to be pure, and an exhortation on the seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage. Biblical commitment precedes sexual intimacy.
  • I Thessalonians 4:1-8 It wrong to defraud one another in relationships—by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist.
  • Song of Solomon 2:7 “Do not awaken love before it pleases.” In other words, before the proper time, which is marriage.
  • Proverbs 6:20-7:27 This is a warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships.
  • James 1:13-15 This shows the slippery slope of giving into temptation.
  • Romans 13:8-14 This is a command to love others, work for their soul’s good; don’t look to please self.
  • Romans 14:1-15:7 It is important to favor others, not self. Value what is good to their souls.
  • I Timothy 5:1-2 This is a command to treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity.
  • Titus 2:1-8 It is critical for young men and women should focus on self-control and godliness.
  • John 14:15 “If you love Christ, you will obey His commands.” Even above your own desires.

I have counseled couples before and after marriage. A common theme between each conflict within the relationship is not having a high biblical standard of the relationship before marriage. Sin complicates relationships. The Bible says that this kind of relationship can be restored through forgiveness and a commitment to change by following the example of Christ.

In summary, the Bible is our baseline for all relationships—dating, courting or waiting. God’s high standard for relationships is not to flex His divine muscles to crush our hopes and dreams, but to fill us with great Hope of His purposes and plans, which are for our good and His glory. First, the biblical goal of dating or courtship is marriage. Second, the biblical view of dating or courtship is purity and the spiritual growth of one another. Consider your relationship with the opposite sex as your brother and sister in Christ [cf. 1 Timothy 5:1-2]. Third, the biblical practice of dating or courtship is commitment always precedes intimacy. All of your relationships are sacred and an opportunity to shine the gospel to a sinful world.

quick question concerning dating & courtship:

How far is too far when it comes to sexual intimacy in dating or courting? This is not the right question. The right question ought to be, “How far should we keep one another away from temptation?” A counselor I know compares temptation to Niagara Falls. Your goal if swimming in the Niagara River is not how close to the falls before you reach the point-of-no-return. The Bible says the boundary is to do not touch or put each other in tempting situations. For the good of one another and the glory of God keep as far from the point-of-no-return as possible.

Great Resources for Both Men & Women on Relationships:

Great Resources for Both Men & Women on Singleness & Waiting:

Great Resources for Women on Purity:

Great Resources for Men on Purity:

[1] Adapted from I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris [Multnomah Publisher, Sisters, OR. 2003, 38-46]

[2] Adapted from Biblical Dating [Scott Croft]

what about sex before marriage?

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Imagine a world without standards or limits: no traffic laws, no standards for society, or no code of conduct. There would be chaos. There are limits, governing rules, morals of right and wrong, and standards of living for the purpose of our protection. Rules are to be abided by not broken or bent. The speed limit law is not a simple suggestion and codes of conduct are not recommendations—they are requirements. Just as there are standards and rules to adhere in our country, so there are standards God gives towards our relationships.

Thus far we have discussed two of God’s standards for relationships. First, both partners must be faithful follower committed to Jesus Christ [2 Corinthians 6:14-16]. Second, marriage is a picture of a divine and permanent relationship [Ephesians 5:25-28]. Today we will discover a third standard God has set for marriage: sexual intimacy is for the marriage bed only.

Waiting to have sex until marriage is certainly not a popular message in our world today. Sex education classes promote safe sex and condom usage. TV shows and media, flaunt sexuality outside of marriage as normal. The idea of waiting until marriage to have sex is passé and seems to spoils the fun. Has chivalry gone out of style along with chastity belts? How do we reconcile God’s speed limit to wait on sex until marriage?

The Bible has three commands concerning sex [Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8]. First, do not give yourself to adultery—having sex with anyone other than your spouse. Second, do not give yourself to fornication—having premarital sex, even with someone you intend to marry. Third, do not give yourself to sexual immorality [Grk: porneia]—having sexually stimulating activities [i.e. pornography, oral sex, masturbation, sex-ting, flirting, etc.] outside of marriage or in marriage with someone who is not your spouse [cf. Matthew 5:27-28; Proverbs 6:27-28].

sinful reasons to have sex before marriage [1 Corinthians 6:12-14]

There are many reasons people justify breaking the limits God sets on sexuality before marriage. Paul says something very wise in 1 Corinthians 6:12, “All things are lawful for me, but not all thing are helpful.” In other words, sex might seem ok, but is it really going to help the situation? Here is some common reasons people sin in order to have sex outside of marriage:

“We love each other.” Many people have equated love with sex. Love does not equal sex; rather it is the gift of committed love. Real love does not tempt one another to sin. Real love is willing to wait and commit.

“We need to see if we are sexually compatible.” The plea for compatibility seems good, but compatibility is not tested—it is learned. You can be compatible with anyone. Test-driving is meant for cars not relationships. 70% of women who test drive are seeking a long-term relationship [i.e. manipulation]. 90% of men who test drive are seeking a short-term solution for their sex drive [i.e. self-gratification]. Sex is not a reliable test for compatibility.

“Everyone is doing it. How could it be wrong if it feels so good?” Let the truth be known: not everyone is. Even if everyone was that does not make it right. Many people do choose to wait. Peer pressure and cultural acceptance are not always right. People who have sex before marriage have a far higher divorce rates, feelings of insecurity within marriage, and greater chance of unplanned pregnancy or STD’s.

“We do not have the same values as you, so stop making us feel guilty.” This is especially true in an age of tolerance, which says “Don’t push your agenda’s on me. You can believe what you want but let me believe what I want.” However, the value of waiting for sex until marriage is not meant to pour on guilt or showcase a man-made value, rather it is God’s value for your good and His glory. He is the one who created you and created marriage. He even created sex. All with their purpose and place.

Sex within marriage might seem to be helpful for fitting into culture, finding compatibility or fulfilling love, but this is not the way God intended intimacy to happen. Two questions to ask: Is it helpful? Is it enslaving? [v.12] When we bend or break the rules this leads to chaos [vs.13-14]. Disobedience brings danger like jumping the guardrails hugging a cliff.

God’s reason to save sex for marriage [1 Corinthians 6:15-20]

God gives one reason to wait. He knows how sex is multi-dimensional—physical, emotional, and spiritual—but when two people have sex they become “one flesh.” [v.16] Even within causal sexual flings this occurs. Sex creates a miraculous bond between two people. Sex is superglue that keeps two together. God did not intend for “one flesh” to be shared, except with the one person you are faithfully committed to in marriage.

Paul bases his sexual purity on his identity in Christ. First, if you are in Christ you are a “servant of Christ” [v.12]. Christ has freed you from the bondage of sin and you are at liberty to choose what is right [cf. Romans 6:1-14]. Second, you are an “eternal being” [v.14]. This world is not all there is. The joy of sex does not compare with the joy of being with Christ. Third, you are “one with Christ” [vs.15, 17]. Followers are married to Christ. Remember, marriage pictures a divine union between Christ and His church [cf. Ephesians 5:25ff]. Finally, you are the “property of Christ” [vs.19-20]. God owns you. You are bought and paid for by the blood of Christ.

Sex is a gift from God. It is something that He created as “good.” [Genesis 1:31] Sex is great in so many ways–relationally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sex is a gift that is greatest when waited for within the marriage relationship. When we abuse or misuse what God created by using it our way rather than His way it complicates our relationship rather than compliment.

Sexual immorality not only affects your relationship with the other person [vs. 17-18; i.e. Psalm 51:4; 66:18], but it primarily affects your relationship with God. Sin creates a roadblock between you and God. You can try all sorts of things to get rid of the roadblock, but until you deal with the sin and commit to change it will be a barrier that you will not be able to budge. Give your sexuality to God and commit to His standard for relationships. It is for your good and God’s glory [v.19-20]. Purity is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your future spouse.

quick Q&A concerning sex:

What happens if you already had sex before marriage? Can I be forgiven? Yes. Repent and restore [1 John 1:8-10]. Recommit to purity and saving sex for marriage. I have a good friend had a sexual relationship in high school, the gal got pregnant. He lived with the guilt of his sin for years. He later tasted the forgiveness of God and recommitted to God and is being used of God in mighty ways. He is now married with beautiful children. God is faithful to forgive. Be faithful to seek His forgiveness through repentance and restoration.

Is sex in marriage really better than sex outside of marriage? You bet. Being pure is always better than settling for second best. Think of how much better it is to drink mountain spring water versus drinking from a sewer pipe. Purity satisfies completely, while sinfulness leaves you empty craving more [Jeremiah 2:13].

How can I fight the temptation of sexual immorality? Toying with your sexual desires is like a pyromaniac playing with fire. Feeding the fire of desire does not calm the temptation; it only intensifies it. You will get burned [James 1:14-15]. Pushing the limits is dangerous. Basing decisions based on feelings of right and wrong can be just as dangerous. Sex feels good, but it was never meant to fulfill what only God can. Sex was never meant to be worshiped [Romans 1:18-27; Ephesians 5:3-7].

Here are some helpful ways to fight the temptation to give into sexual immorality: First, commit to obey God. Second, learn from the Word the joy of waiting. Third, be accountable to God and a strong Christ-follower. Finally, create and implement a battle plan [purity contract]—do not touch [1 Corinthians 7:1], do not look [Matthew 5:28; Job 31:1], and do not be alone [cf. Genesis 39]. Purity never happens by accident. Make a plan to fight for it.

Great Resources to Check out:

Sex Before Marriage: How Far is Too Far? [Timothy Lane]

Guidelines for Sexual Purity [Randy Alcorn]

Sex and the Supremacy of Christ [John Piper]

why preparing for marriage matters?

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Have you ever had a really difficult time picking out a new pair of shoes? It can take me months before I find the right shoe I will wear. Maybe I am just picky.  It is important for shoes to have the right blend of comfort, style, and functionality. You can’t go wrong with a pair of Chuck Taylor’s. They are classy and timeless.

Shoe shopping is a lot like finding the right relationship. It is not bad to have standards when it comes to relationships. We looked at last week God has a high standard for relationships—both partners must be faithful followers committed to Jesus Christ [2 Corinthians 6:14-16]. Finding the right relationship can be difficult. Looking at a potential relationship can be like looking at a box of Crayola Crayons and thinking, which color do I choose?

Most men and women dream of the day they will whisk away their wife or marry their hunky husband, and grow old together. I marvel at my Grandparents who stayed married for over 50 years and still call each other best friends. Marriage is a relationship most long to be in, yet most do not prepare to endure. It is said that every date is a potential mate. Learn to look at all your relationships with the opposite sex as a potential husband or wife. Better yet view them as God’s creation and your brother or sister in Christ. Many come into marriage with sinful expectations.

sinful views of marriage [or any relationship for that matter]:

Marriage makes all my problems go away. Many think that marriage is the cure-all for sexual temptations, the need for compatible companionship, or desire for happiness and lure of romance. If this is your expectation for relationships you will be severely disappointed. Marriage can certainly help, but it is not the means to an end.

Marriage raises my social status. Do you view singleness as a curse? Do you feel pressured to be in a relationship and weird because you are not? Are convents and monasteries for people unfortunate not to find the love of their life? If you marry just to raise your relational resume you will marry for all the wrong reasons.

These are false assumptions many marriages and relationships are built upon but quickly crumble. More than half of all marriages fail. Even marriages within the church crash and burn alongside these startling statistics. There are many reasons why these statistics stand, but how can they keep from falling? Who wants to get married when so many seem to peter out? Is there hope for a healthy home or romantic relationship?

biblical views of marriage and why it matters:

Marriage is a picture of a divine relationship [Ephesians 5:25-28]. Every relationship—particularly marriage—is an opportunity to model Christ’s love. This is God’s goal for marriage. What does a loving relationship look like? It looks like Christ’s sacrificial love for His church. What came first Christ and the church or man and women? This is not like a chicken or egg question, since it is fairly obvious. Marriage came first [Genesis 2:22-24], and it pictures the church’s eternal relationship with Christ [Revelation 19:7].

Marriage is a permanent relationship. It is not as disposable as people make it out to be in our day. There is a miracle in marriage that two people become one flesh forever. This is why God looks down on divorce. In fact, God says He hates divorce [Malachi 2:15-16]. Now I am a product of multiple divorces. Divorce is always difficult. It affects so many, but it primarily affects the couple. Divorce does not erase the oneness of marriage. It is like ripping apart two pieces of metal welded together. It hurts the metal and will leave pieces of one another with each other.

dealing with the wear and tear on relationships

Like shoes, relationships take on wear. So what must be done? Get a new pair? This is not so easy when it comes to relationships. Relationships take a lot of work to keep clean because they are two selfish sinners. So what is a couple to do? Clean up and restore the shine. Couples must become like mechanics looking under the hood of a used car determining what needs to get fixed. How can I inspect the danger signs of relationships? Here are some great questions to ask:

First, who’s in the drivers seat? In other words, check under the hood of their heart to see what is pushing their gas. The heart is a persons control center. In order to peer into the heart you might ask: Are you committed to your relationship with God? Do you love the Word of God and live by it? Are your knees worn out? Do you love the church? Then it is good to watch if their walk matches their talk. If not, run. If they yes, you have the making of a good match.

Second, what’s in your trunk? The trunk is where the baggage lays. Usually baggage is sins you struggle with and carry with you everyday. Baggage is not a reason to not date someone. Everyone has baggage because they are selfish sinners. Yet you need to ask yourself, “Am I willing to love this person and live with them knowing what I know?” Baggage can be dealt with and overcome, but it will take a lot of work over a long period of time only by applying what we know from the Word of God [Matthew 7:24-27].

What’s your track record? Last week, I mentioned the way someone communicates and deals with conflict with their parents is how they will deal with it with you. People model their parents. The majority of problems in relationships are because of a history of not dealing with conflict biblically or communicating unbiblically as a family. Conflict in relationships is guaranteed [1 Corinthians 7:28]. It is not a matter of if but when. When you have conflict how do you deal with it?

Marriage matters, therefore, your current relationships matter as a pattern for your future relationships. If we create sinful habits before we get into our relationships it will be difficult to change that after we get into our relationships. Thus have a biblical perspective of relationships. See them as a picture of God’s long lasting love. Be prepared in your relationships by cultivating a solid friendship that asks questions to inspect one another’s heart.

quick Q&A concerning dating, singleness, divorce and remarriage:

Dating today does not an effect way of determining a future mate. Is dating defecting? Is there a better way? Modern dating does have many deficiencies:[1]

  1. Dating skips the friendship stage of the relationship.
  2. Dating often mistakes the physical relationship for love. Infatuation is not intimacy. Sex does not equal love.
  3. Dating often isolates you from other vital relationships [friends, parents, teachers, pastors, etc.] making the one you are dating an idol.
  4. Dating can distract you from preparing for the future. You need to prepare for marriage.
  5. Dating can discourage you from God’s gift of singleness.
  6. Dating can create an artificial environment to evaluate another’s character.
  7. Dating becomes and end in itself. It becomes a game and a means of control with no checks and balances.

A better alternative to dating is courtship. Why choose courtship over dating? Courtship chooses: solid friendship, purity, wise counsel [of parents and mentors], preparation [for permanent relationship], contentment with singleness, cultivation of godly character, and bridges true friendship with marriage. Courtship is the best move towards a marriage relationship in our day because it sets the relationship standard higher. Don’t pursue a romantic relationship until your ready for love.

What about singleness? Is singleness for more than nuns and priest? 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 and 17-40 describes singleness is a gift from God and a good thing. In fact, most of the New Testament writers were single, including Paul and Jesus [Matthew 19:11-12]. A single has the freedom to devote their relationship entirely to God. Singleness for the short-term or long-term can have a lot of benefits on your spiritual walk with God. I was single for about 3 years before I began a relationship with Sarah and I would not trade away those years.

For more information on living as a godly single check out The Rich Single Life.

Is there no room for divorce and remarriage in God’s plan? There are legal divorces that Jesus considers illegitimate [Matthew 19:1-9]. There are commands that call couples to reconcile rather than remarry [1 Corinthians 7:10-11]. And there are broken relationships that God gives freedom for remarriage [Matthew 5:31-32; Romans 7:2-3; 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, 39]. Each relationship is different, therefore, it is wise to search the Scriptures to understand what God has to say about divorce and remarriage according to the state of your situation.

A great resource to check out on the permanency of marriage is: The Momentary Marriage by John Piper

[1] Adapted from I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris [Multnomah Publisher, Sisters, OR. 2003, 38-46]

who’s in your driver’s seat?

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The first two cars I owned were hand-me-downs. When I was 16, I bought the 1987 Dodge Daytona from my stepmother for $500. She lasted about 6 months before she gave up the ghost. My second car I bought while in college—a 1989 Chevy Corsica from my grandmother. She was a fairly reliable 4-door sedan. I named her Angus, mostly because she was black and I wanted her to have a bold name for the complex I had while driving her.

Angus had issues. First, my door got stuck. I felt like one of the Duke brothers climbing through the window of the General Lee to get into my car. Second, the ignition broke, so I had a buddy hotwire a toggle switch to help start the car without a key. I was embarrassed to take dates in this car because I never knew what would happen next. On one occasion I took a gal out for dinner and it started raining really hard. I turned on the wipers to full blast and they rocketed off the windshield never to be found. I spent the rest of the ride with my head out of the window like a panting dog to see where we were going. Nothing like that to dampen your date!

I did upgrade to nicer cars, but never really got the car of my dreams. If you could have any car what would you drive? Many people desire the German BMW or Mercedes, while others adore the Italian Lamborghini, Ferrari or Bugatti Veyron. I would settle for a Ford Mustang Shelby. I often daydream about what it would be like to drive one of these hot wheels around town, feeling the roar of the engine; proud of wow-factor I get from people I zoom past.

Have ever realized how much cars and relationships have in common? The next few weeks I will share a series on dating and relationships. We are going to approach this topic from the biblical standpoint. You might be thinking, “I know what the Bible says about relationships, it’s so old fashion and culturally irrelevant.” Stay tuned. You might be pleasantly surprised how practical and helpful the Bible is when it speaks about relationships with the opposite sex.

you get what you pay for

There are two ways to look at buying a car: either you get something really cheap that quickly breaks down or you get something nice that will last you a lifetime. There is no middle of the road. When it comes to relationships, God is in it for the long haul for “nothing can separate us from the love of God” [cf. Ephesians 3:17-19, Romans 8:35-39, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7]. He has put the miles in for you and He expects you to go the distance with those you committed.

Jesus says marriage—the chief earthly relationship—is a visual illustration to the world of Jesus’ commitment to the church [Ephesians 5:25ff]. Never will He abuse, neglect or separate Himself from His Bride. The love binding together Christ and the church is eternal. He has a covenant relationship with His followers built on sacrificial love for His followers. Relationships are no small matter or a place for shallow commitment.

Do not settle for anything less than the best. What is the best when it comes to relationships? God says the best is for both partners to be committed followers of Christ. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, believers are commanded to set their relationship standards high, “Do not be yoked with unbelievers.” To understand this verse you must learn from the farmer. Back in the day, farmers used oxen to plow their fields. They would match up two animals that were similar in size and strength to get straight rows. A smart farmer would never match up a goat and Clydesdale, or wild stallion with an old donkey. If so he would simply spin in circles getting nowhere. Do you see the illustration God gives to us about relationships? A believer and non-believer pull each other in opposite directions, in fact, the relationship will spin in spiritual circles if both parties are not committed to Christ.

beware of lemons

Beware of the dodgy deals from the used car lot. In other words, be careful of the worldly messages you hear and see on TV, Internet, or romance novels. The message is of compromise not commitment, “Dating is just for fun and sex.” Also, be careful of ungodly advice from friends who are sinful sympathizers. His or her message is listen to yourself not your God, “You should be with someone who makes you happy or makes you feel fulfilled.”  Lemons are sour deals that as you think back on them you regrettably know you have bought into a lie and you should have been cautious enough to search under the hood of that person’s heart before you signed the paperwork. Here are common lies and excuses about dating a non-believer:

“He or she is really nice person and is very good to me.” This is admirable and chivalrous. Some non-believers truly have better character than believers. However, if they are not in Christ their motives in the relationship are always selfish. Use your friendship as a God given opportunity to share with them the gospel. Let them know that Christ wants to reconcile an eternal relationship with them.

“Don’t worry, I will share my faith inside our relationship.” Missionary dating is sin. You have already compromised the relationship. How can you tell your partner to obey God when you are not being obedient to God by dating them? It is never God’s will to sin, even if it feels so good and right.

“If God was loving He would let me date who I want.” Remember, God is the standard. What He commands is for my good and His glory. God is not being cruel when He commands you to date believers and steer away from non-believers. He is protecting your heart. Take the time to read the story of Sampson [Judges 13-16] and Solomon [1 Kings 1-11]. You see how quickly love blinds their hearts from their God to the idols of their women. God warns about inter-spiritual relationships because He knows how distracting and spiritually detrimental they are for both parties.

In order to prevent yourself from getting a lemon you need to do some research into the person you want to partner. When buying a car you will get an inspection from the mechanic, check under the hood yourself, or go to carfacts.com to see the specks and history of the car. When it comes to our relationships we must go to the Word of God. The Bible says by their fruit you will know the kind of person they are [Matthew 7:16-17; John 15:8; Galatians 5:22-23].

How can you see someone’s fruit? See how they handle conflict [Proverbs 9:8-9], probe their passions, and ask x-ray questions: First, who is driving your life? If they give you a shallow answer or they are offended you asked this should be a red flag. Second, what is your relationship like with your mom and dad? You can tell a lot about how someone will treat you by the way they treat or speak to their parents. Third, are you involved at church? If they are serving others and loving the church this gives you a seek peak at their passions and priorities [cf. Philippians 2:4]. These are not fail proof questions since people can put up good fronts or change, but they are a starting point. [Note: more on danger signs for relationships next week].

no more backseat driving

Backseat drivers are annoying. They whisper or wail in your ear what they think you need to be doing. They are never satisfied and always complaining about your driving style. Are you a backseat driver to God? Do you say to Him things like, “Stop telling me how to run my relationships,” “Can you get going already? I am tired of waiting for the right guy or gal to come along,” Now if I were God I would be like the parent who says, “If you do not stop it right now I am going to pull this car over and give you something to think about!” Good thing I am not God, but if you say that God is in your driver’s seat let Him drive.

quick Q&A about concerning biblical relationships

Just because someone is a Christian does that mean I should date them even if I do not like him or her? What if never meet a Christian that I am attracted to? Waiting is never a bad option. In fact, while you wait, your primary relationship—between you and God—can be growing some great fruit. Also, pray to God asking Him to provide you a partner that will love God more than you.

What if you are in a relationship that you are convinced is second best? Repent and respond by doing the right thing. Speak honestly with your partner and break off the relationship until you are both faithfully committed to Christ.

How can you tell who is behind the wheel when it comes to your other relationships? Here are some helpful tips:

  1. Surround yourself a great examples of faithful followers who have done it right. Take good notes.
  2. Learn from the examples of failed relationship. Don’t let history repeat itself.
  3. Keep accountable to someone wise while dating. Ask them to assess your relationships often with objectiveness.
  4. Listen to the advice of your parents and heed the warnings of the Word of God.

cross-centered relationships

Posted in counseling, cross, family, friends, marriage, parenting, relationshipsTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

What is at the center of your of your life? Your center is what is your main thing, your top priority, and the thing you most passionate about. It is what defines you. Your center is clearly seen in what do you talk about or what is on your mind the most. Commonly it is a relationship, passion, career or cause. Have you seen your center change over the years?

What is the one thing God says must be our center? In 1 Corinthians 15:3 Paul says that our first importance is the cross of Christ—the gospel. The cross is like a hub with spokes to a wheel. It affects everything you do—your passions, career, causes and relationships. It wasn’t until I came to know Christ and begin a relationship with the God of the universe that I realized my relationships with my parents, friends, and authorities could be different.

For those who do not know God the cross is silly and stupid. “The cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those who are being saved it is the power of God.” [1 Corinthians 1:18] People hate the work of Christ because it runs so contradictory to the way people think and live. The cross is foolish because people do not make the connection from what Christ did on the cross to how it impacts their life. The cross is crucial to all our relationships. If you say you have a relationship with God, the proof of it is how you view your relationships. How does the cross impact my relationships: with my parents, friends, authorities, or dating partners?

1. The cross is the means to change my motives within relationships [2 Corinthians 5:14-15]. Jesus went to the cross not because he thought it was going to be fun or a vacation to the beach. It was hard, painful, and torturous. He could have backed down, but He didn’t. He was motivated by love and joyful obedience, even when people mocked Him and beat Him and bullied Him.

First, my relationships must be motivated by Christ’s love. This is often difficult because we are motivated by getting things from people. We are consumers. We view our relationships as people owing us attention, love, and respect [note Pharisees: John 12:43; Luke 7:47]. We say to our parents, “You owe me a nice room with privacy. You owe me new clothes for school and respect for my possessions.” We think our authorities and friends should treat us fairly and respectably. If you think people owe you it will frustrate you because you often do not get what you want.

My esteem does not come from self or others, but comes from Christ. I have Christ-esteem [v.15]. The question is not what do people owe me, but what do I owe them? “Owe no one anything, except love each other.” [Romans 13:3] “Walk in love as Christ loved you.” [Ephesians 5:2] “The love of Christ controls us.” [v.14] I owe others love because God commands me to love one another [Colossians 3:12-17]. If I am a genuine follower of Christ I am able to love others because He has loved me [1 John 3:7-21]. The cross is proof of His love [1 John 3:16]. The cross shows just how horrendous my sin is, but how immense is God’s love. The cross puts me on equal terms with everyone else. I am no better, and no worse.

Second, my relationships must be motivated by joyful obedience. I am willing to submit to others authority in my life because I see it has benefitted me to submit to God’s authority. God protects and provides. No longer do I need to live in the frustration of being a man pleaser, but in the joyfulness of becoming a God pleaser. My motivation as a follower of Christ is not what other people think about me, but is God pleased with me [2 Corinthians 5:9].

2. The cross is the means of dealing with conflict in relationships [2 Corinthians 5:16-19]. The cross challenges my attitude towards those I have something against [v.17; cf. Titus 3:1-11; Colossians 3:8-15]. Often when I have something against another person I want to control the situation by letting them feel my pain or know my hurt. However, God says that vengeance is not yours and when we take wrath into our hands we make a mess of the situation [Romans 12:19]. Only God can be God. So how does God desire us to deal with conflicts?

What if I have sinned against someone? What if I have blow it and messed up a relationship? As a new creation in Christ I seek reconciliation and forgiveness for your sin. What if they do not accept my forgiveness? You cannot control their response. You have done your part. Trust God to minister to them [v.18-19]. What if it is physically impossible to ask for their forgiveness because of death or distance? If death take your unforgiveness to God, but if not write a letter or call the person you have something against.

What if someone sinned against me? If someone has wronged you and you are struggling with thoughts of bitterness or rage seek their forgiveness for your sinful attitude. You can, “Forgive as Christ forgave you.” [Ephesians 4:32] because “Love covers a multitude of sins.” [1 Peter 4:8] Love is powerful.

What about those who don’t seem to deserve my love? Have you heard it said, “Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me”? The Bible says, “See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all men.” [1 Thessalonians 5:15] What does it say about you if God can forgive sins eternally, but you cannot forgive someone? The proper response is to confront in love pointing them to the cross. In the cross, there is no one undeserving of God’s love.

Some people are fire starter while others are fire extinguisher. Who are you? An attitude of humility, gentleness, and understanding can diffuse many arguments, tensions and disagreements. “If any man is caught in any sin, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted.” [Galatians 6:1ff] “Let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” [1 Peter 3:8-9]

3. The cross is the means to restore broken relationships [2 Corinthians 5:20-21]. The cross makes our relationship right with God and gives us the ability to reconcile our earthly relationships because we are ambassadors of reconciliation [v.20]. The cross attacks the issues that hurt relationships. The cross attacks and defeats sin. The cross does not tear down a relationship with God it builds up. Teenagers are champs at knocking others down with their teasing and tearing words. This has no place in the life of a Christian, “Let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” [Romans 14:19]

How has the cross impacted your relationships with God and others? The proof of your relationship with Heavenly Father is seen and heard in your earthly relationships.

Quick Q&A on Cross-Centered Communication in my Relationships:

Q: What does a cross-centered relationship look like at home with my parents? What if my parents are on my case? What if we do not get along What if they have does something to you that scarred you really deep? Begin with the road towards reconciliation and obey joyfully as to the Lord [Ephesians 6:1-3]. As you honor your parents you are really honoring God.

Q: What does a cross-centered relationship look like at school with my teachers or at work with my boss? Trust God who appoints all your authorities [Ephesians 6:1-9; Titus 3:1ff] Even if some are unfair or unreasonable God has placed them into their positions of authority. Remember your boss is ultimately God. The way you work can be a shining light for God’s glory.

Q: What does a cross-centered relationship look like with my friends? If you see your friends sinning be willing to confront their sin [cf. Matthew 18:15-17]. This is what good friends do—they hold one another accountable. A loving friend does not sympathize with sin; rather they help their friends overcome sin. Also, humbly accept confrontation for your sin too.

Q: What does a cross-centered relationship look like in my future marriage or dating relationships? [More on this the next few weeks] Check out: 1 Peter 3:1-7, Ephesians 5:22ff, and 1 Corinthians 7.

10 Memorable Dates

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Each Friday Sarah and I religiously have a Date Night. I am sure when baby Hutts comes along we will have to be more creative and diligent to keep this as a weekly or bi-monthly tradition. Here are some of my most memorable dates-to-date with my gorgeous wife:

Beauty Mountain. It is what it is–beauty. There is nothing like lush West Virginian foliage, sheer cliffs, with a roaring river hundreds of feet below. We could just lay in the sun for hours watching the turkey vultures soar above, listen to the wind in the trees, and meditate upon the goodness of God.

France Park. It’s not in France, but in the middle of Indiana. There is more than corn in Indiana. This park is a novelty with its unique paddle fish as big as a human swimming patiently in the clear quarry. There are some great trails to get lost on. This is the place we first held hands. Also, I think we both cried with joy.

Philly People Watching. South Street Philly is quite the place, enough said. It is a place you can get a yummy cheese steak, funky new hat, and lovely wooden fish migrated from Jamaica in an overpriced store that smell like something illegal.

Dollar Date. This is fun. Give each other a buck and an hour to spend it at the mall. The goal is to buy a gift for each other. I got Sarah some groovy knick-knacks from the clearance area of the candy store and she got me a skin tight shirt with lip-kisses all over it. A quick pic in the photobooth and it’s an unforgettable night.

Plant a Tree. On a sunny day last fall we got-green. We dug up maple tree saplings from a friends wooded lot and replanted them in our yard. To this day all eight of the trees are still living. I suppose it’s because Sarah prayed diligently over each one.

Canoeing down the Creek. This is a favorite. We love to paddle down the Wildcat Creek in the fall. The colors of the leaves, coolness of the breeze, and poison ivy. Yes, I was itchy for weeks, but it was a wonderful reminder of a great day on our floating picnic.

Library Date. It’s cheap and smart. We make rounds to the various libraries in town and exchange interesting factoids with one another. You can also rent old movies that you forgot existed. Sometimes you can even walk away with really cool books that are free.

Build your Own Pizza. Yummy for the tummy and good for a day when the weather is crummy. You can both have pizza your way: Sarah has her side with veggies and I have mine with meat. There is nothing better than homemade pizza, a good movie, and a blanket to cuddle under.

Patch the Pigs. Sarah and I like art. We took some old Clorox Bleach bottles and decorated them with scraps of fabric. Quite crafty. The pigs turned out to look like colorful quilts. It was a great way to turn trash into a treasure.

A Kiss to Build a Dream On. The first time I kissed Sarah was the day of our engagement at the Tippecanoe Battlefield. Of course this is a day no man can forget. What lovely lips my lady has!

Bonus Date: Dumbo Do-Do

Footage is Coming Soon