Category: counseling

in marriage, money matters

Posted in counseling, finances, marriageTagged , 2 Comments

Yesterday, I found $20,000.00 in Costa Rica Colones [about $40 in US cash] in my pocket. I laughed out loud. Not only is it useless in the US, but I could have used it 4 months ago while Sarah and I were on our honeymoon. You see, when Sarah and I were leaving Costa Rica we were unaware that they had a departure tax. We spent most of our spending cash before getting to the airport so that we would not have to exchange it back to US dollars. The tax was about $40 US dollars. After looking through our bags for about an hour we found $34 and still needed more. The ATM’s would not take our cards and the departure flight was getting close to leaving. We praise the Lord for providing a stranger who gave us $6 to get the tax cleared. We were in such a pickle that Sarah was about to sell off her iPod for extra cash!

The truth is, money related issues in marriage can draw a husband and wife closer together. Can you be serious, money brings about intimacy in marriage?  Yes. Stats say that money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce.  I believe financial tension in relationships can be improved if they follow through with a few communicative principles:

Pray for wisdom. Not many couples invite God into their financial lives.  God wants to be involved with the money in marriage.  Marriage is always a joint relationship between husband, wife, and God. Pray that God to guide you in how he wants the funds earned, used, and distributed. Release control of your money and give God control (James1:5).

Be Partners. Marriage is is no longer two “me’s” but not a “we.” (Genesis 2:24) In the one-ship of marriage couples lose their individual identity. This includes finances both what comes in and goes out of the home. From now on we are in this financial situation together and we have an equal responsibility and an equal opportunity.

Set clear goals. Not clear as mud, but crystal clear. Setting goals is not just about finances, but it is about all things in life. It is having a plan for life. In other words, it is having a vision for the future. Where do you want to be?  What do you want to be doing? Goal setting is where a husband and wife look at each other and say, “Where do we want to be in 5 years? In 10 years? In 15 years?”  Finances fit into this plan (Proverbs 15:22).

Unity. One flesh equals one bank account. It doesn’t matter who earns it. Some couples think that the one who earns the money spends the money or dictates how it ought to be spent, rather respect your unique contributions to the home.  As the husband I bring in the majority of the paycheck, but my wife, she runs the home. What’s mine is hers and what is hers is mine (1 Corinthians 7:4). We do have separate savings accounts, which we use to purchase gifts for each other on occasions. Give up the insignificant things of life so that you can gain the greater reward of a unified marriage (Philippians 2:4).

Divide and Conquer. Money management takes time, energy, knowledge, and wisdom.  One of the common complaints about the money in marriage is the burden of so many responsibilities and commitments. Couples are forced to decide who will take care of the different tasks related to personal finances. Some things that might work are making a listtogether of all the jobs related to personal finances [i.e. balancing the check book, paying bills, retirement options, investment, etc.] and choose together the jobs you would enjoy doing, then get to work.

Set a budget and stick to it. A budget represents the small goals you meet along the way to achieving your ultimate goals. Once the budget is set it is important that you track your progress.  The best way is to meet together regularly [once a month or every 3 months] to communicate how it is working. Either spouse can call or schedule a family pow-wow. Our goal is on a Monday once a month to sit for a few minutes to walk through our budget plan. The meeting shouldn’t take any more than 15–20 min per week.

Give to God first. The budget must start with what you will give to God and His work. We will give a predetermined percentage of our income to our local church and others in need (Proverbs 16:3). He provides all that we have and need, therefore, we must give back as an expression of our devotion and thanks to Him. Just like my story earlier, God provided for our needs in Costa Rica. It was only a few bucks. Now I have a reminder of His provisions through some colones. I know just who to give these too!!

pride: a beast in hiding

Posted in counseling, pride, sinTagged , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

3708375567_5faf6e49be_o

Pride. It is a real beast that hides in the darkness of our mind waiting to devour us from within. Many do not know the telltale signs they are suffering from the sly and stealthy beast of pride. Consider the following list of hidden forms of pride:

1. Insecurity. Insecurity is the root of many unhealthy and ungodly behaviors. It provokes us to want the lavish praise and attention of others. Pride is often motivated by one’s unmet need for self-worth. Focusing on the worth of Christ and security in Christ is a must to avoid pride.

2. Got to play the trump card. Do you know someone who has a hard time being wrong? This is a symptom of pride (Galatians 6:3). A person who needs to be right has an exalted view in themselves and think they are too-sexy-for-their-shirt. In religious circles, the need to be right is frequently said through statements like ‘God told me’ or ‘God showed me’, which are simply prideful trump cards.

3. In a state of arguing. Those who argue their point of view, especially to those in authority over them, are allowing pride to be their pet beast. At the root of their argument is a belief that they are right and the other is wrong, period, argument done [like a turkey at Thanksgiving]. It is sometimes appropriate to advocate for a point of view or position, but there is a thing called tact.

4. More invested in being heard than in hearing. When one develops a pattern of needing others to listen to them rather than first hearing others, pride is a motivating factor. I’m going to bust out in one of my most favorite raps, “Alright, stop, calibrate and listen… ” [Vanilla Ice] Listen, hear, it is not a brand new invention, rather a humble way to communicate with other human beings.

5. Blowing up and clamming up. Ungodly anger is pride. In anger that blows or clams one will often justify their position and blame another for the wrongdoing. Justification of self leads to denial of our own complicity or wrongdoing. Deal with your anger and quit blaming others for it.

6. Irritability and impatience. The root of impatience in my life is pride. When we are unable to be patient with another and are irritated, it demonstrates a haughty view of self. “My time and talents are not worth your investment.” We feel that our views, time or needs are more important than the other persons.

7. Lack of submissive attitude. Submission is the voluntary placement of oneself under the influence, control or authority of another. Pride says, “I can do it better than they can. If I were in charge things would be different.” Maybe so. Yet when one pledges their submission to you or another, yet is critical or bucking that authority, then pride is in coming out of hiding [like words about our President].

8. Who do you think you are–attitude. Have you ever worked or lived with someone who won’t receive any negative or corrective feedback? This is pride. Were Adam and Eve were confronted by God in the garden they passed the blame-buck. Own up to confrontation and learn from it.

9. Receiving correction but do not changing. Some receive correction and say thank you for the feedback, but never change. This too is pride. The individual is placating and people-pleasing, nodding their head and telling you what you wanted to hear but not really taking the feedback to heart. Ones ride with prevent them from truly changing.

10. Boast about your badges. A good friend of mine requires everyone to call him ‘Mr.’, saying that he has deservedly earned the title. Demanding that others call you ‘doctor’ or ‘pastor’ or ‘sir’ is usually a way of making you ‘one up’ and them ‘one down’. This shade of pride hungers for approval and starves for recognition, “Hey, look at me dad? Look at me son? Look at my long list of credentials, crowns, coronations…” Pride fuels the requirement to respect the badge.

11. Stubbornness. Pride exerts one’s own will and is not easily persuaded, difficult to handle or resistant. The root issue of stubbornness is willfulness, which is ‘I want what I want when I want it’. You think you have rights, well are you willing to give up your rights for another?

12. Comparisons and competition. 2 Corinthians 10:12 makes it clear that comparing oneself with others is foolish. “I wish is was more like…I wish you were more like…” How about, “I wish I/you were more like Christ!” Comparison is a form of competition. The motive of a comparing heart is pride.

Pride is a powerful beast that wants to control you. Be careful to let him in your cave. Once he is in he will be at home to stay, and it is difficult to sweep him away.

a lesson on authority: my president

Posted in counselingTagged , , , 1 Comment

Tomorrow is the inauguration of our new president Barak Obama. It is an exciting time with a lot of anticipation, especially in tight economic uncertainty. There are mixed reviews about the outgoing president and moving in of the new. I have a lot of respect for our new president. I may not agree with his policies or all that his party stands for, but he is my president. I might be tempted to speak out in disagreement and debate of his choices or character, yet he is my president. I am going to honor, respect and pray for him.

photo-19Many cringe and snicker at the thought of authority in their life possibly because those authority figures were abusive or didn’t live up to expectations. It is difficult to watch the news stations because they become so critical of those in authority. They tear down all that these leaders are trying to build up. President Bush has the lowest approval rating in recorded history. He has been the brunt of late night comic relief (of which my favorite were David Letterman’s “Presidential Speeches”). Sure his decisions and demeanor have added to this dismal ratings, but it gives us no right to down him as man.

Parents come to me often and ask, “Why doesn’t my child listen to or respect my authority?” I will ask them questions in return that usually reveals their answer, “What do you say about your boss around the dinner table? What do you communicate about your president to your children? Do you speak negatively about any other authorities in your life?” Children watch closely how their parents honor authority in their lives and will reflect that character in their own lives. More than likely if a parent bashes authority, their children will bash theirs. Let’s stop bashing authorities in our lives for the sake of our future generations.

See Romans 13:1-6; 1 Peter 2:13,14; Hebrews 13:17.

stop it

Posted in counseling, family, sinTagged , , , 1 Comment

I remember sitting in my Grandma’s wood-paneled living room as a youngster watching the Bob Newhart Show. She use to laugh so hard that it would make her cry. Every now and then I will watch Newhart reruns on TV. It brings back fond memories of those evenings with grandma and a bowl of popcorn.

Now grandma was a tough woman and would not let me get away with my little idiotic kid-spells. She would say in her tactful tone, “stop it!” Good times! Good times.

I often feel the same way when counseling people for change. I suppose it is those Joan Rothe genes in me mixed with a biblcial perspective on life. Simple lesson: we must see sin the same way God sees it and STOP IT!

Thanks to the seminary guys I see each week I found this funny clip…

people pleaser

Posted in counseling, friends, relationships, sinTagged , , Leave a comment

There is an old fable that has been passed down for generations that tells about an elderly man who was traveling with a boy and a donkey. As they walked through a village, the man was leading the donkey and the boy was walking behind. The townspeople said the old man was a fool for not riding, so to please them he climbed up on the animal’s back.
 
When they came to the next village, the people said the old man was cruel to let the child walk while he enjoyed the ride. So, to please them, he got off and set the boy on the animal’s back and continued on his way.
 
In the third village, people accused the child of being lazy for making the old man walk, and the suggestion was made that they both ride. So the man climbed on and they set off again.
 
In the fourth village, the townspeople were indignant at the cruelty to the donkey because he was made to carry two people. The frustrated man was last seen carrying the donkey down the road.
 
The Point: We can’t please everybody, and if we try we end up carrying a heavy burden. When we try to do everything other believers want us to do, we can easily become frustrated and confused . That’s why we need to remember that the One we must please above all others is Jesus Christ. Carried any donkeys lately?